Monday, October 5, 2009

Boogieboarding Style: Suck my cock Louis Vuitton

This is quite a hot topic (that store is fucking gay, i bet Crowbar buys his arcade fire shirts from that shithole) amongst the bodyboarding community, and i'm going to give my ever-so-vulgar opinion on the issue.

First off, I'm sick and tired of the whole, "lol you wear churchills, you're just trying to be like all of the aussies" bullshit. Don't get me wrong, plenty of faggots (especially in the Orange Country vicinity) wear those goddamn fins because they think it makes their style look better, but what it boils down to is what fucking fits your foot comfortably. I've tried vipers, redleys, techs, bluntcuts, and churchills, and the only goddamn fins that don't cut my feet are churchills. The other criticism i hear quite often is, "ew those spins look like shit with vipers". This kind of bullshit makes me more sick than watching Jamie Obrien's bodyboarding pipe heat (kind of ironic since he was wearing vipers in the contest, lolz!). Style is not about what kind of fucking fins you wear, or how hard you cross your fucking legs for christ's sake. It is about how you flow with the wave and how natural you make your maneuvers look. I'd rather sit and watch Spencer Skipper surf all day than watch section after gay section of Tom Robinson at blackrock, dropping in, spin in to a 4ft barrel, come out and do some fast revo on the shoulder, and then some lifestyle shot of his Lloyd Christmas bowlcut and tophat on top of some cliff in south oz (ya that was a run on sentence, but fuck you i'm lazy). I'm not saying he's a shitty bodyboarder at all, I just cannot handle all of the "best bodyboarder in the world" claims. Also real quick, i love how people coin the current style prevalent in australians as "aussie style", when they are all emulating Mike Stewart.

Elton John has better style than all of those aussie hipsters with their leather jackets, spandex-esque jeans, and scarfs, if you ask me. This leads me to yet another topic: what in the fuck is up with all of the fashion bullshit you see in bodyboarding these days? You have the whole aussie hipster movement, which is pretty outta control. I love the majority of the riding in the aussie boogie vids, but everytime i see a lifestyle shot of some kid prancing through a field of daisys wearing a $100 cut copy v-neck, i wanna take out the DVD and take a corn-riddled shit all over it so it never works again. I mean honestly, if you wanna wear some semi-homosexual v-neck, whatever, but fucking Cut Copy? That sorry excuse for a band is more worthless than a Chris Monroe signature. Maybe i'll go out and buy a Motley Crue t-shirt with cut off sleeves, and then maybe i'll start taking shits on surfboards, and start having epic boogieboarding style like Jono. Fuck that. All of the California kids that buy into that shit make me wanna puke, it's honestly sickening. I'll tip my hats off to the hawaiians for doing their own thing, but then again that's probably because they have sick waves (Pipe is the best wave in the world for fuck's sake). California is buttfucked with a shitty continental shelf, inconsistent swells, and a healthy population of cock-hungry standups, which probably plays a role in many kids' obsession with different countries' "style", etc.

I'm kind of rambling now, like usual, so fuck off. My best style picks,
Prone:
Stewart
Hardy
Skipper

DK:
Roach

All Around:
Booth

Worst Style:
Uri Valadao

The end.

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