Southern California,
there's enough chicks with fake fucking tits down here that we should have our own Silicon Valley, but hey I'm just some dumb fuck 23 year old with a chip on his shoulder, so who am I to speculate on what our cities should be named? Anyways, Southern California. You have the fucking wedge (ya i know there's tons of closeouts and ladi-fucking-da, but it's a goddamn wedge that holds up to solid 15ft+), you have Blacks, and then you have, well you know. If you don't know the last place i'm talking about, then you are probably more worthless than a fucking Jenny Craig cookie (i bet those things taste like complete shit). Those are 3 of the best "beachbreaks" in the entire state, and in my opinion, pretty much take a big steamy shit all over Northern California. You also have a few quality reefs, albeit fickle, they still provide some of the best bodyboarding type waves the state has to offer. The people down south though, fuck my goddamn caucasian, virgin ass, they are probably gayer than Campus Point itself. Aussie wannabe cocksuckers that think if they cross their legs hard enough, they can become the next fucking Mitch Rawlins or Ry....actually Hardy is too much of a badass that I refuse to use his full name while referencing our shitty state. This is mainly Orange County I am speaking of, although there are plenty of dumbfucks wherever you go. The mexican food from LA on down south pretty much blows a huge load on Patrick Duffy's face though, which makes up for a lot of the bullshit. Ok i'm sick of talking about Southern California, so i'm going to move on to the great gay North.
Northern California (Pt. Conception and everything above it), woo-fucking-hoo. "Yeah man, it's just all rugged up there, like there's always swell, it's sharky, i bet there's fucking secret reefs and shit that are insane. You just have to go explore to find them." Very common thing i hear from southern california cocksuckers that have never been up to that fucking marijuana smoker's version of neverland ranch. The amount of wasted coastline north of point con-fucking-ception is mind-boggling. Miles and miles of coast strewn with stupid fucking jagged boulders that wouldn't be capable of producing a good wave even if Nasty Nate had threatened to fuck it's ass on Christmas morning. There are a few gems thrown into the mix, don't get me wrong. The people you encounter up north are of a totally different breed, when compared to it's nasty neighbor to the south. You will run in to guys that have never even heard of someone like Ryan Hardy, and will claim waves that don't exist such as "Paranoids," and whatever other bullshit. "Oh yeah, on that last monumental south swell, i surfed this wave called fucking Robocops, it was mental." Yeah ok pal, go smoke another fucking bongload of the devil's lettuce and watch Fire a few more times. Then you have the guys that think they are ultra gnarly because they wear a little bit thicker of a wetsuit and paddle out at spots that MIGHT be a little sharky. Yeah whatever, fuck you. Up north is not all that bad though, I mean you have the goddamn Toobs factory right there up in Morro Bay. They are some of the nicest people left in this godforsaken "industry," just stop by the factory if you are ever up that way and you will know what i mean. Not to mention their custom boards are of great quality; i bet you could even get some of your cum sealed into the deck if you wanted to. One last thing, there are a few gems in terms of legit mexican food upon that long ass buttfucked coastline, you just have to look a little harder than usual.
Ok so I might have gone off on a little bit of a tangent, and really only touched on the central part of california as opposed to the whole north, tough fucking luck. Santa Cruz has some real good boogie waves, and further north of that you have a buncha faggots like some dude that calls himself Modulator and claims mediocre beachbreaks and reefs that don't exist. Also, you have this one camel faced fucking faggot that gets his ass cleaned out in the Castro district of SF. Alright I've said enough, my next little blog post will have a full interview and many photos as well. So hold on to your fucking cocks (or pussies, if your name is Chris Monroe/Crowbar), this is just the beginning.
-Danny
