Monday, October 5, 2009

Boogieboarding Style: Suck my cock Louis Vuitton

This is quite a hot topic (that store is fucking gay, i bet Crowbar buys his arcade fire shirts from that shithole) amongst the bodyboarding community, and i'm going to give my ever-so-vulgar opinion on the issue.

First off, I'm sick and tired of the whole, "lol you wear churchills, you're just trying to be like all of the aussies" bullshit. Don't get me wrong, plenty of faggots (especially in the Orange Country vicinity) wear those goddamn fins because they think it makes their style look better, but what it boils down to is what fucking fits your foot comfortably. I've tried vipers, redleys, techs, bluntcuts, and churchills, and the only goddamn fins that don't cut my feet are churchills. The other criticism i hear quite often is, "ew those spins look like shit with vipers". This kind of bullshit makes me more sick than watching Jamie Obrien's bodyboarding pipe heat (kind of ironic since he was wearing vipers in the contest, lolz!). Style is not about what kind of fucking fins you wear, or how hard you cross your fucking legs for christ's sake. It is about how you flow with the wave and how natural you make your maneuvers look. I'd rather sit and watch Spencer Skipper surf all day than watch section after gay section of Tom Robinson at blackrock, dropping in, spin in to a 4ft barrel, come out and do some fast revo on the shoulder, and then some lifestyle shot of his Lloyd Christmas bowlcut and tophat on top of some cliff in south oz (ya that was a run on sentence, but fuck you i'm lazy). I'm not saying he's a shitty bodyboarder at all, I just cannot handle all of the "best bodyboarder in the world" claims. Also real quick, i love how people coin the current style prevalent in australians as "aussie style", when they are all emulating Mike Stewart.

Elton John has better style than all of those aussie hipsters with their leather jackets, spandex-esque jeans, and scarfs, if you ask me. This leads me to yet another topic: what in the fuck is up with all of the fashion bullshit you see in bodyboarding these days? You have the whole aussie hipster movement, which is pretty outta control. I love the majority of the riding in the aussie boogie vids, but everytime i see a lifestyle shot of some kid prancing through a field of daisys wearing a $100 cut copy v-neck, i wanna take out the DVD and take a corn-riddled shit all over it so it never works again. I mean honestly, if you wanna wear some semi-homosexual v-neck, whatever, but fucking Cut Copy? That sorry excuse for a band is more worthless than a Chris Monroe signature. Maybe i'll go out and buy a Motley Crue t-shirt with cut off sleeves, and then maybe i'll start taking shits on surfboards, and start having epic boogieboarding style like Jono. Fuck that. All of the California kids that buy into that shit make me wanna puke, it's honestly sickening. I'll tip my hats off to the hawaiians for doing their own thing, but then again that's probably because they have sick waves (Pipe is the best wave in the world for fuck's sake). California is buttfucked with a shitty continental shelf, inconsistent swells, and a healthy population of cock-hungry standups, which probably plays a role in many kids' obsession with different countries' "style", etc.

I'm kind of rambling now, like usual, so fuck off. My best style picks,


All Around:

Worst Style:
Uri Valadao

The end.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Surfing vs. Bodyboarding: Fuck you Donovan Frankenreiter

Ah, the classic age-old argument; what's better? Surfing or Bodyboarding? Let me give you the short and quick answer: it doesn't fucking matter. I'll be sure to go over the downfalls/gayness of each sport, as well as a cap here and there on that one fucking dick chisel, Donovan F.

Ok, let me get started with Bodyboarding first. I love riding a boogie, and prolly wont quit until I get too old or Bockman somehow gets elected as President of the United States. That doesn't mean I'm going to sit here and defend every boogieboarder up and down the California coast though. I hate 98%...actually make that 99%, of bodyboarders in California. Between the Eddie Orange County faggots, super tatted big-tough-guys-that-suck-but-since-they-are-tough-automatically-think-they-are-good-types, and norcal weed-smoking mysto reef claimers, I can't fucking take it. That doesn't even include all of the other shitheads riding a fuckin' neon green custom X doing slow ass spins with their legs open as wide as a vietnamese transvestite fuck-toy. I'm not one of those "iron cross", Wladimir Bobosick/Ryan V. cross-your-legs enthusiants, but fuck, it's not that hard to see what looks like shit, and what doesn't. All of you faggots out there complaining about how surfers don't give us any respect and blah blah blah, bring a mirror out with you when you surf, and take a hard fucking look in it. The reason why bodyboarding is so looked down upon in this godfor-fucking-saken state is because of all you shitheads blowing it. Trying a goddamn ARS on a 3ft bank section, delbowing the fuck out of a solid tube, doing nick ostrovsky-esque daniela frietas rolls, and acting like you are fucking hard. I'm not hard by any means, but i don't sit there and make my riding look as if i'm getting fucked by a steroids-ridden ex-NFL linebacker, doing cutbacks as jerky as a fuckin slim jim. Moral of the story here: i hope bodyboarding dies, and the 99% of you that make me embarressed to say i'm a bodyboarder in california go eat sushi with Monroe and Crowbar.

Surfing. Oh yeah, just got my fuckin' turn on at Rincon, yeah ok, fuck you. The amount of complete and utter gayness that has come from the surfing industry these last few years disgusts me. Whether it be from claiming spots that bodyboarders had pioneered years ago, to praising wannabe-hippy faggots with shitty music (Donovan Frakenreiter), to exposing every fuckin' spot in the goddamn world, surfing makes me wanna puke no matter what. Almost every single day that I've been in the water with surfers, I've been disgusted. Especially on a decent day, 98% of the surfers here in california suck more cock than Clay Aiken. And it's quite hilarious that those 98% that suck chung are the ones talking shit about bodyboarding. Yeah, how about i take your $900 Al Merrick, coat it in salicylic acid, and jam it up your fucking ass. I'm sure it would feel a helluva-lot better than outrunning a solid keg and trying to carve on the shoulder, like you are carving a fucking ice sculpture of Macauly Culkin at a Michael Jackson memorial. A lot of the good surfers know what's good surfing, whether you are riding a boogie or a shortboard, and those are the guys i tip my hat off to. I have nothing but respect for them. The whole, "i'm into slabs" surfing trend nowadays makes me laugh as well, haha! A surfboard isn't functional in a short, quick, sucky, thick wave. Go take your board out to fuckin' Campus Point (oh yeah, there's some bodyboard faggots that actually ride there, ooooops!), and do a few turns, get all stoked, go eat at Lily's, and go smoke some stupid fucking weed. Just the fact that kids from fuckin Missouri wanna buy surfing clothes because of the whole, "duuuude i'm sooo relaxed, i'm Sean Penn, some liberal faggot that played a surfer in Fast Times at Ridgemont High" vibe, makes me wanna shit my goddamn pants. Woo hoo, you guys "stand up", that's fucking great. I sit down when i take a shit, and it feels really good.

I know that I went off on some shitty rant, complete with run-on sentences, grammar mistakes, and so on and so forth. What this all boils down to: it doesn't matter what the fuck you ride, it matters how you ride it. Surfboard, Bodyboard, Kneeboard, fucking Kickboard, it doesn't matter. The guys that don't make their sport look like shit are the ones that are keeping it real.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

The South vs. The North

No, I'm not talking about the on-going feud between North and South Korea, or making some kind of clever little reference to America's past battle. I'm talking about Southern California vs. Northern California, whether it be waves/waveriders/your everyday person/food establishments/whatever the fuck i want cap on. With that one fucking dickhead piece of geography (Pt. Conception) that buttfucks Southern California out of some wintertime juice being the divider (ya this is a real shitty run-on sentence, so fuck you in advance to anyone that wants to question my sub-par writing abilities), which is better? The North or the South? Here's an answer: fuck you, they both suck. Southern California is full of BMW-driving, insecure, yuppy faggots, while "Norcal" is full of a buncha dumbfuck weed-smoking hippy pieces of shit. That was just a quick little summary of my feelings on this whole North vs. South pissing match, so now it's time to get more in depth.

Southern California, there's enough chicks with fake fucking tits down here that we should have our own Silicon Valley, but hey I'm just some dumb fuck 23 year old with a chip on his shoulder, so who am I to speculate on what our cities should be named? Anyways, Southern California. You have the fucking wedge (ya i know there's tons of closeouts and ladi-fucking-da, but it's a goddamn wedge that holds up to solid 15ft+), you have Blacks, and then you have, well you know. If you don't know the last place i'm talking about, then you are probably more worthless than a fucking Jenny Craig cookie (i bet those things taste like complete shit). Those are 3 of the best "beachbreaks" in the entire state, and in my opinion, pretty much take a big steamy shit all over Northern California. You also have a few quality reefs, albeit fickle, they still provide some of the best bodyboarding type waves the state has to offer. The people down south though, fuck my goddamn caucasian, virgin ass, they are probably gayer than Campus Point itself. Aussie wannabe cocksuckers that think if they cross their legs hard enough, they can become the next fucking Mitch Rawlins or Ry....actually Hardy is too much of a badass that I refuse to use his full name while referencing our shitty state. This is mainly Orange County I am speaking of, although there are plenty of dumbfucks wherever you go. The mexican food from LA on down south pretty much blows a huge load on Patrick Duffy's face though, which makes up for a lot of the bullshit. Ok i'm sick of talking about Southern California, so i'm going to move on to the great gay North.

Northern California (Pt. Conception and everything above it), woo-fucking-hoo. "Yeah man, it's just all rugged up there, like there's always swell, it's sharky, i bet there's fucking secret reefs and shit that are insane. You just have to go explore to find them." Very common thing i hear from southern california cocksuckers that have never been up to that fucking marijuana smoker's version of neverland ranch. The amount of wasted coastline north of point con-fucking-ception is mind-boggling. Miles and miles of coast strewn with stupid fucking jagged boulders that wouldn't be capable of producing a good wave even if Nasty Nate had threatened to fuck it's ass on Christmas morning. There are a few gems thrown into the mix, don't get me wrong. The people you encounter up north are of a totally different breed, when compared to it's nasty neighbor to the south. You will run in to guys that have never even heard of someone like Ryan Hardy, and will claim waves that don't exist such as "Paranoids," and whatever other bullshit. "Oh yeah, on that last monumental south swell, i surfed this wave called fucking Robocops, it was mental." Yeah ok pal, go smoke another fucking bongload of the devil's lettuce and watch Fire a few more times. Then you have the guys that think they are ultra gnarly because they wear a little bit thicker of a wetsuit and paddle out at spots that MIGHT be a little sharky. Yeah whatever, fuck you. Up north is not all that bad though, I mean you have the goddamn Toobs factory right there up in Morro Bay. They are some of the nicest people left in this godforsaken "industry," just stop by the factory if you are ever up that way and you will know what i mean. Not to mention their custom boards are of great quality; i bet you could even get some of your cum sealed into the deck if you wanted to. One last thing, there are a few gems in terms of legit mexican food upon that long ass buttfucked coastline, you just have to look a little harder than usual.

Ok so I might have gone off on a little bit of a tangent, and really only touched on the central part of california as opposed to the whole north, tough fucking luck. Santa Cruz has some real good boogie waves, and further north of that you have a buncha faggots like some dude that calls himself Modulator and claims mediocre beachbreaks and reefs that don't exist. Also, you have this one camel faced fucking faggot that gets his ass cleaned out in the Castro district of SF. Alright I've said enough, my next little blog post will have a full interview and many photos as well. So hold on to your fucking cocks (or pussies, if your name is Chris Monroe/Crowbar), this is just the beginning.


Thursday, July 30, 2009

I hate Communism...and China (Chris Monroe)...Synonomous?

Communism...everyone should be somewhat "equal?" Right? Well maybe according to that one asshole, Mao Zedong. Mao was quite the reformist, trying to re-shape China into a different form, kind of buttfucking the country like Wham-o buttfucked Morey Boogieboards. Despite the public buttfucking, Mr. Monroe won't admit the sodomy being performed upon one of bodyboarding's "trademark" companies. He also is reluctant to admit the sodomy being practiced between him and "Crowbar" himself. Those two sushi-loving, tight pants wearing, Arcade Fire bumping faggots. Fuck. Making those pseudo-hip Alternative Surf commercials with "The Faint" soundtracks was kinda cool when I was like 15 yeras old, but not when i'm 23 , jaded, and drink too much rum. Fuck you Monroe. Also, I'd like to comment on that stupid ass mark sunnofabitch website I'm sure all of you faggots reading this little rant have seen the bullshit that ensues upon that site, so listen up. Camel face faggot (Alex S.), is a great man. He pretty much fucks all of your asses, even all of you OC "In and Out" craving sunnofabitches.

So this Blog is kind of an opener to what all of you dick chisels can expect in the future, but the next few installments will contain much more direction and organization. Fuck you Morey, and fuck you Monroe, you and your gay little ear plugs in 72 degree water. Hope you get your ears drilled soon.

- Danny